[A journal entry written during my hiatus from music while recovering from burnout and depression.]
November 16, 2017 (12:13 pm)
As I’ve been working on the score for my friend Micah Parker's short film inspired by the “27 Club”, I’ve been thinking a lot about Kurt Cobain. Late last night, a TV show I was watching showed a short clip of MTV News when they announced his death. So, I started reading more about him online, which led me to reading his suicide letter. As an artist, I wasn’t surprised that A LOT of what he said was about music and his career. Although Kurt was also struggling with drug abuse and other health-related issues, I could relate to a lot of things he said in the letter, especially things like:
“I’m too sensitive.”
“I’m too much of an erratic moody baby.”
I said those same kinds of things in my journal when I was contemplating suicide in 2015. I could also relate to the way Kurt felt when he said he loved and cared about people too much to the point of resenting and hating people. As far as music, he said that he hadn’t felt the excitement of listening to or creating it for “too many years”. And he felt guilty about it. Again… I could totally relate.
I haven’t felt excitement about music for years now. No matter how much of the current good music is out there, I don’t even bother to listen because I honestly don’t care to. Why should I feel guilty about that like I do sometimes? Why should an artist be or even feel obligated to keep up with everyone else’s art?
This brings me back to that excerpt from Clive Davis’ book when he talked about meeting John Lennon. Clive asked him, “Do you listen to the radio a lot in order keep current?”. He wanted to know if John Lennon kept track of what was happening when he was away from the music scene. John said, “I don’t listen to the radio at all.” Clive was flabbergasted and replied:
“Not at all? When you’re not recording, you really have no interest in knowing what else is happening? Not to copy, not to be imitative, but just to hear what’s going on? To see what else is out there?”
John said, “No, I haven’t listened to any new music at all.” When Clive told him he was really shocked, John gave Clive a look and said: “Clive, let me ask you a question. Do you think Picasso went to galleries to see what was being painted before he put a brush to canvas?” Clive said that moment was an “unforgettable rejoinder, and a telling comment on the nature of true, unique creativity.”
But, I digress.
I could totally understand where Kurt Cobain was coming from; feeling guilty for losing passion for the very thing he was so great and successful at. What makes it even more difficult is the pressure that comes from the success along with the unfair expectations and lack of understanding from many fans, consumers and bystanders.
It doesn’t matter how hard you try to explain it. Most people who don’t make music can never comprehend just how much it takes out of a person to create a great song that’s genuinely from the heart. The mental, emotional and spiritual energy it requires can never be fully understood by an external description. It can only be experienced internally by those who actually do the work.
It can take many years to even touch that level of pure creativity that so many people attempt, but may never reach. If it were that easy, songs like “Purple Rain”, “What’s Going On?”, “A Change Is Gonna Come” and “Smells Like Teen Spirit” would just be ordinary songs that anyone with a little bit of talent could make. The really sad part is… once world-changing songs like that happen, people just expect you (the artist) to keep dropping them as if you’re a gum-ball machine full of “hits” for them to chew and spit out. And they won’t hesitate to persecute you the moment you don’t meet their expectations.
What’s even worse… if you’re signed to a record label, you’re not only expected to keep trying to make “hits”, you’re legally bound and obligated to. Even if you’re not inspired, you’ll have to force ever fiber of your being to creative because now your livelihood depends on it. Just imagining that is painful enough, especially for those who don’t have creative control. But most consumers won’t understand the struggle.
Most consumers find it hard to empathize with a famous "signed" recording artist because they simply don’t know how much it takes out of a sensitive and passionate human-being to create a heartfelt song multiple times in order to fill a catalog of albums they are contracted to make (not to mention, having no ownership of the music). And there’s no guarantee the label will even release the album once it’s done. It doesn’t matter how much work went into it or how much your fans would actually love it if they heard it. If it doesn’t meet the label’s flawed expectations, they’ll shelve it.
It’s difficult for fans and consumers to comprehend why someone so talented and successful would want to quit in the midst of so much momentum in their career. Hence why people called Dave Chappelle “crazy” when he backed out of his super successful TV show. They assumed he was “on crack”. Even when Dave explained his completely logical reasons for quitting Chappelle’s Show; most people either; didn’t listen, didn’t understand, didn’t care, or just over-analyzed the whole thing and threw it into their cesspool of ridiculous "illuminati" based conspiracy theories.
Like most celebrities and public figures, Dave Chappelle was dehumanized in the eyes of critics and consumers, and instead of having compassion for him as a human-being, he was criticized for choosing his family and mental health over millions of dollars (as if he wasn’t already a multi-millionaire). People chastised him for backing away from an amount of pressure they wouldn’t be able to handle for 1 minute in his shoes.
But, I digress again.
Back to Kurt Cobain. While reading his suicide letter, I was able to look past the godlike figure people tend to perceive him as and saw a sensitive and terrified human-being. He was tormented by shame and guilt for not feeling the satisfaction from all the success he accomplished with the very talents he lost passion for. Since he couldn’t be who everyone (including himself) expected him to be, he felt like a fraud. He felt worthless. He’d lost touch with Kurt, the inner child; the little kid nobody else knew before he was famous. He was guilt-ridden because “Kurt Cobain the Rock Star” wasn’t enough for him to feel alive and connected, regardless of all the success, praise, accolades and adoration.
Although I haven’t reached Kurt Cobain’s level of success, I could relate to his feelings of shame and guilt with my personal experiences dealing with success and a world-wide fanbase of my own. One of the breakthroughs I recently had was reconnecting with Solomon, the little boy. I took my therapist's advice and worked on healing the wounds of my inner child.
Recently, I've learned how I feared success even more than I feared failure. Although I was very frustrated trying to achieve my dreams, I was also afraid of my dreams because deep down I knew that all the success and notoriety I craved would not be enough to keep me happy and fulfilled. Deep down, I knew that reaching the level of success I wanted without having a renewed mindset and proper healing of internal wounds would’ve ultimately destroyed me.
I have felt the same way as Kurt Cobain without his level of success, so I can only imagine how I would've felt had I got everything I wanted too soon. I was still trying to fit my vision into the wrong lane, and the success would’ve been fleeting if everything happened the way I was thinking it should've back then. Had my music taken off in 2015, I would’ve been expected to keep going down that wrong lane until I got burnt out like I am now. I would've felt even more guilty for the way I’ve been feeling about music in general. I would've thought something was “wrong” with me. But there’s nothing wrong about the way I’ve been feeling towards music lately. In fact, I feel more free by expressing this.
If it’s not in God’s plan for anything to come of these musical and television series ideas I’ve been trying to develop for the past couple of years, I’ll accept and surrender any and all concern for it. I’m okay with the possibility of nothing else being left to do with all the projects I’ve done. I’m willing to let it all go and move forward to whatever it is I’m destined to do. I’m no longer asking for MY will to be done. I’m asking for God’s will, because I trust that I’ll be happy and more than satisfied in the end.
I’m thankful for the Lord’s guidance and protection even when I wasn’t aware that I needed it. Thank you, God, for blessing me with the clarity, strength and discernment I’ve attained thus far. Wow… now it’s 5:46 pm.